Hanging on

After feeding Nathaniel his breakfast, I’m loading the dishwasher and my mind starts to wander.  I think to myself, why is it so hard to move on and let go.  I’m talking little things- not saying that I should move on past John… I don’t think that will ever happen.  But simple things like packing up his clothes or putting a car up for sale or figuring out what I’m going to do with my horse numbers.

I started going through clothes a tiny bit a few days ago and stopped shortly after I started- in tears.  Things like his black LiveStrong shirt

Me, John, & Nathaniel at the Miles for Melanoma Walk - September 2008. John wore his black LiveStrong t-shirt a lot and even more after he got sick. Just the words LiveStrong really embodied how John lived his life- even to the end.

or his flame boxers that I bought him back when we were still dating.  Then the answer comes to me.

We as a people tend to like to hang onto things.  It is easier to hang on to something than to let it go.  We grieve over losses, regret mistakes, and can’t move on past broken hearts.  We keep around things just in case we might need them again.  We save baby clothes even though we know our childbearing days are past us.  Often we let clutter fill our lives.

Maybe I should look at it in a different light… we collect things.  But often what we collect will never become a valuable antique.  Quite often what we collect is well… just junk.

I hope in time I’ll be able go through clothes and to some extent move on past the grief and just enjoy the many memories.  I know that will take time and nobody knows how much time.

But for now, it’s easier just to hang on than to let go.