Super Steering Wheel

Back in 2005, I was what I liked to deem a “professional mallrat.” As such, it went against everything I believe in to actually make purchases at the mall that can’t be easily ingested in some way. Seriously. I have been to malls of all shapes, sizes, and qualities, and, despite what stores are offered, rarely bought anything except lunch. On a Sunday in early 2005, however, all that changed due to my renowned love of late 1980s and early 1990s nostalgia. It all began (and, well, ended) with Hot Topic.

Hot Topic is a Goth- and punk-friendly retailer that requires you to have piercings and tattoos on every part of your body, including internal organs, just to request a job application. Fortunately, my hole- and ink-free self was not there to get a job but rather to browse amongst overpriced goods festooned with pop culture images from my childhood. Included in this merchandise was an assortment of Nintendo-themed goods that, in many cases, cost the same or even more than what the actual old 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System console sells for today. One such item was a Super Mario Bros. steering wheel cover, plastered with the familiar 2-D logos of the popular Nintendo game that spawned countless sequels and remakes that none of us turn-of-the-decade children care about. Due to its $14 asking price, the cover and I had always maintained a separate relationship.

Anyhow, this particular Sunday saw the steering wheel cover’s new home on a clearance rack, indicating that, for some inexplicable reason, there wasn’t much of a market for the item. A full 50% was slashed off of its price, dropping it down to $7, which I concluded was well within my price range. Upon taking it to the cashier, I discovered that it was eligible for yet ANOTHER 50% off, thus placing it in my possession for a grand total of $3.70 (while I prefer $3.70 to $14 any day, especially for something as elaborate as this, I am a bit confused as to why two 50% discounts didn’t add up to the sum of 100%, which would have enabled me to walk away with the steering wheel cover with little more than an “I’m taking this” statement).

Nevertheless, I now had (and continue to have) an authentic Super Mario Bros. steering wheel cover of my own! As I gazed at my new purchase with more love than I regularly gazed at my ex-girlfriend with, I could not help but realize just how appropriate an item this was for people my age. It’s as if the Nintendo corporation realized that its core 1980s-1990s audiences are now old enough to drive…and thus created this rubber novelty reflecting the staple of their video-game-playing years: Super Mario. Hot Topic’s array of just-as-poorly-selling Super Mario Bros. floor mats, Pac Man license plate holders, Bayou Billy engine blocks, etc. further intensify the video game conglomerate’s promotional move.

With some difficulty, I managed to slip the red and black wheel cover over my steering wheel of my old Ford Tempo, which now has Mario’s face surrounded by 2 “Power-Up” mushrooms on either side at the 2:00, 6:00, and 10:00 positions. The remainder of the red and black item is decorated with small patches of an “M” pattern, all of which leaves cool little “M” and mushroom-shaped indentations on my palms. Once I had it slipped on, thus ensuring that my car will now NEVER get stolen, it was time to make my purchase public.

Opinions towards my new accessory were mixed, as evidenced by the following table:

PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A WISE INVESTMENT: Me

PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A STUPID BUY AND ARE NOW EVEN MORE HUMILIATED TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH ME: Everyone else.

I was a bit surprised at the one-sidedness of this issue, seeing as how, a little over 10 measly years ago, these same people worshipped anything and everything related to Mario! I can still vividly remember the debut of “Super Mario Bros. 3″ being a hot topic (no pun intended) in 5th grade, ranking right up there with the release of the first live-action “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie. Why is stuff like this such a colorful and pleasant memory to me even today yet is borderline embarrassment to its former worshippers like my friends? Does it have to do with the fact that I never maintained much of an active social life between then and last Tuesday and can still tell you the location of the hidden “1-Up” mushroom in World 1-1 of “Super Mario Bros.” yet have no idea what comes in a margarita? Probably.

For the record, after I moved into downtown Philadelphia and eliminated driving from my daily routine, I still kept the steering wheel cover prominently displayed in my apartment.